I Spent Four Years Asking God to Speak to Me

There are many fears in my life, just as you might have too but this story is only about a particular one. I talked about light the last time and like I promised, I want to explain why with a personal experience.

As a new Christian in 2016, there was much to be elated about especially when I discovered the beauty of fellowship with the brethren. I was wondrously shocked to realise that we can meet on days apart from Sunday. So delicious!

With time, I noticed that the teachings always had bits about the importance of hearing God personally. No matter how far the topic was, somehow the preacher would chip in somewhere a cry for us to hear God and pay attention to him.

If different preachers all said the same thing, then it must be important. My desire was growing for this reality.

There was only one problem. How the heck was that supposed to happen?!

I knew the answer too because it usually accompanies the cry: “Study your Bible. In the pages you’ll hear the voice of God”, they said. So I tried to study.

Another problem, where was the voice of God? All I was seeing was interesting bible stories. How does this information help me? The teachers always had a way of referencing them to my problems. Why couldn’t I?

The more confused I got, the more I dragged my legs on self-study. Whenever I felt the need, I would close my eyes, open my bible, the first verse my eyes sighted was where I would read.

Unless it was something like Isaiah and it sounded gibberish, then I’d have to do it all again.

Hilariously, that was enough. For a time. Until sometime later when it dawned on me that my peers were now the ones handling these awesome, power-packed teachings, what about me. Why was I not growing?

Where were they getting these words that could pierce my heart from?

The same question of years ago arose. How?!

They answered it the same way, urging us to spend time with God and study our bibles. How?! I was reading it but God was not speaking to me…

By then, I was a youth leader and every service became a mix of hearing God’s filling word and being depressed that he had decided not to allow me to hear these words on my own. I felt like a hypocrite- stealing God’s word from others. Something was not right.

It was a point of prayer. I would pray and beg God to speak to me too. I’d cry sometimes for hours asking for a glimpse of him. Sometimes, I’d be angry. I’d complain. I’d mock God. I’d cry again. I’d pray again.

Two years later, fear began to set in my heart. I’d been professing Christ for years now and had “nothing” to show for it. What would I have to show the world when I left the covering of “school?” Save me, Lord.

Every prayer was a desperate cry to God to speak to me too. It looked like my friends were getting stronger too. They all would have something to say about “what God said…”. I became worse.

One time, I attended a retreat centre at Gboko and as Bro Gbile Akanni, an anointed teacher was teaching, I got very angry. I closed my Bible and looked at it, looked at his own too and felt the overwhelming urge to tear mine to pieces, stomp on it until it was dust then go take his own. Yet, I knew it would not solve my problem.

“So what will? What else do I have to do, Lord! Until when will you pity me?” It was another season of crying especially as the days drew to a close and I knew I’d soon have to leave this beautiful atmosphere of God’s clear voice to the “silence” that was my life.

To make matters worse, he asked us to become intentional with God, praying, “Who are you, Lord” and “what would you have me do”. I wanted to pray this prayer so badly cause I wanted to live for him but why should I? God never answers me.

So this man had taken a piece of my problem and added an extra load of fear and feelings of failure. Whenever I tried to, I felt more depressed and frustrated so I did not do so often. There was no faith in my heart…

Stick with me please, so I can show you what light does, how powerful it is.

Fortunately, it seemed I had picked something from that last meeting because when I got back to base, for the first time I could seat with my Bible and the words were making sense to me. I felt God was speaking to me.

I would never forget that a sentence in particular, “Woman of Valour, go in this thy might…”. It was so real, I looked behind me to check who the words were meant for and laughed so hard when I confirmed I was alone. God must be drunk… but that’s another story.

You’d think my problem ended there? Finally right? No, it did not. I challenged many things I read in the Bible. I wanted to be careful so I didn’t “eat nonsense” as I drew meaning from the Scriptures to apply to my life.

Did you notice everything wrong with that last sentence?

So, I grew and did indeed get better and more relaxed until I was in another meeting and the man of God urged the congregation to grow beyond our current point:

“Don’t get satisfied with your level! There’s more in God. What will you do if there’s an emergency you need to get God’s direction for immediately, will you tell the doctor to give you a minute to sleep and dream before deciding?!”

Hmm, that struck me. Indeed it was silly to depend on dreams alone. It was time to move. So began I another frustrating journey to hear God everywhere apart from the clear night revelations I was used to.

Do you see how I never classified my Bible study under God’s voice? My issue was deep.

In this frustration I mellowed for almost another year, my joy never lasting too long. Until one day.

The preacher, Lawrence Oyor’s teachings started to circulate. This man was quite unconventional praying for some strange things 😂 and one of them was the need for light.

One day, I’m listening to another of his teaching alone (usual ASUU strike) in my room when what he was saying struck me that I could no longer jot a word.

He said a lot but I remember him saying not to think the voice you hear in your head is yours but God’s! He brings to life his word in your heart to speak to us. What?!

I zoned out. Every single instance when I’d heard God’s word stood before my eyes like a movie. Every single cry, anger, complaints, depression, fear.

When I would sit for hours with my Bible sometimes laughing, sometimes gossipping about others to an “unseen person” in my imagination. I had not been “drawing meaning” myself!

I had never been alone! Many night dreams I’ve had, the push, the leadings, the nudge, the inaudible whispers in class, God’s word from his ministers, God’s word through my friends, even from the mouth of unbelievers. He was everywhere. He had been right there!

I literally had to have heard his voice to be a Christian because he had called me by my name. I remembered the argument I had “with myself” at the point of salvation before I made my decision too. I remembered the rebuke, the unsettling feeling when I did wrong. My God!

I was crying and laughing at the same time. God had been speaking to me from day one! It was an eye-opener. I felt so silly. I felt the love of God and his assurance as he removed almost four years of fear.

It wasn’t like I’d not been hearing these things before but that day, Light came.

Something else happened some days later that cemented that experience. I met the person called the Holy Ghost. I’ll tell it another day.

I want to tell you it’s not about knowing something but understanding it. You might know it’s compulsory to love and never do so or struggle to do it until Light comes.

That’s how important light is. I have other stories of such great deliverance from error. I’m sure you do too if you’re a Christian and I’d love to hear about it💯.

We have all been there: when God’s word set us free all kinds of bondages and none of them is irrelevant to another experience. Think of where you would be if not for that preaching, teaching, seminar, exhortation, rebuke, or personal study that changed you so much.

Then join me to say, Thank you, Jesus for your light.

If you have a congregation or regular listeners, pray for clarity for them always. Ask that misunderstandings are rooted and deaf ears opened.

If you speak God’s word anywhere even on social media, never forget this prayer point. Or to crown the prayer, a simple, “Lord, let your light come that darkness will give way” or as a friend will always decree: “LIGHT BE!”

If you’re not a Christian but live in confusion, fear or intimidation and you’re tired, come to Jesus for rest.

Believe me, that what you’re hearing now is the voice of Jesus. To all that comes to him, he never turns back (John 6: 37).

Speak to him in your heart, tell him you want him and need him, and you submit your life to him. Ask him to save you from sin, fear or whatever and watch him start immediately.

I looove hearing from you, please drop your comments below 💓.